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[Dec. 17th, 2009|01:49 am] |
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i've decided to just stop trying to this person to do this thing. its probably annoying them, and there must be a reason for their refusal, and i don't want to ask them about it because whatever the reason is, odds are it is because of some wrong i've done. so some day we will both come around and figure things out. in the mean time i don't want to have to talk about it until next year. |
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[Dec. 16th, 2009|12:01 pm] |
why oh why oh why do i let stuff get to me? i could get fifteen compliments in one day, but one bad comment will overshadow all of them. why do i let them bother me so much? i was laying in bed last night wondering this and trying to fall asleep, but instead i kept thinking about all the hurtful things that everyone has ever said to me without realizing they hurt. for example, let's take shane. for anyone who doesn't know, shane was my first boyfriend. we went out from my freshman year to a little after sophomore year. i was a very awkward freshman, and to be quite honest had standards about as low as my self esteem. shane was really heavy. and he had acne and liked to play world of warcraft. he was a good starter boyfriend for the most part, except that he kind of monopolized conversations. but anyway, i remember one time i said i was afraid that if we ever broke up i wouldn't find anyone to date, and that he was probably the best i could do. and he pretty much agreed with me. and from then on i always worried that i'd end up only ever being good enough for a fat guy with an ugly beard. that's not true, of course, but there's still that person in me that believes it. andy called me ugly and said i had a mustache when we were younger. i know, he's my brother, siblings say mean things all the time. but i was already super self conscious about my thick eyebrows and awkward hair situations. and then there was the whole entry about CJ calling me an 8.5 because he's just being realistic, but last night i was thinking, what exactly is keeping me from being a 10 or better in my own boyfriend's eyes? which basically led to, if my own boyfriend doesn't even think i'm super pretty, then no one must. and that sounds super shallow, because i know i'm a good person, and it shouldn't matter what i look like, but even the nicest, sweetest, most genuine girl in the world still wants to be called beautiful. oh, and mike giacalone said i looked like a dike with my new haircut, but he was drunk and he's kinda lame anyway, so i didn't really take that to heart. plus if a girl wants to hit on me whatevs.
i realized last night that my self esteem is very much like a game of jenga. overall it's a pretty solid tower, but little bits taken out here and there inevitably just make the damn thing crumble. and then i think that people are just being nice instead of sincere when they say nice things to me.
to be continued...study time. |
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[Dec. 15th, 2009|07:41 pm] |
so i went out shopping today, and as i was getting out of my car i saw jamie silverstein and she came over to talk to me. apparently there's a rumor going around that she said my hair makes me look like a cancer patient, but apparently someone wrote it in a note to her at meeting, and she laughed about it, then told people about the note. but she wasn't the original sayer of that opinion. i actually don't know if she shared the opinion , and i don't think i should know. but anyway, she told me olivia went up to her and completely bitched her out saying that i'm such a nice girl and why would anyone ever want to pick on me?
so i've had kind of up and down opinions about it. at first i kinda laughed it off, as i usually try to do, and, well, truth be told, my hair is super short and being a cancer survivor would make sense. but then i was thinking i'd really like to know who wrote that note saying that. i know nikki sits next to jamie and joanna r, but i don't like to think that nikki would say something like that, as she thinks i'm nice too. i think. but i can't think of anyone who sits near them who would bother to say something like that. and, like, it's irritating, because i feel like people would realize that i'm nice and kinda quiet because i'm awkward and don't really have that much self esteem, and i'm always worried that people are secretly judging me and picking on me and seeing all my flaws. and if i was just sitting there not doing anything, why pick me? i already feel embarrassed most of the time. why add to it?
but this story also actually gave me kind of a boost, because of olivia's part in it. i mean i feel bad that jamie got the full brunt of it if she didn't have anything to do with it, but it makes me feel good that olivia stuck up for me. i've always had an intimidated admiration for olivia, if that makes any sense. you'd have to be around her to know what i mean. to someone who's never experienced olivia, she can seem loud and crazy and intense. but when you get to know her you realize she has a great big personality and isn't afraid to be herself, and herself can be a little shocking and over the top sometimes, but that's just how she is, and you come to love her for it, especially if you're like me and you generally lack the ability and/or courage to be a loud version of yourself. so to have olivia, who's the oldest sister in the house, the loudest voice, the biggest force to be reckoned with, stick up for me felt really nice. it made the sting of the cancer comment not hurt so much.
and like i said, it wasn't really even the comment that hurt. it was the fact that i was just sitting there and someone thought to herself, 'who can i pick on? hmm she seems easy enough"
i wish i knew who it was so i could wonder why they wouldn't just say it to me. |
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[Dec. 15th, 2009|01:13 am] |
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i was reading through old livejournal entries, and i read the ones from camp pontiac. there is not one positive word in any of them. i really did hate that place. i now have fond memories of my roommates, and still miss them, but i can't believe i hated a place so much as i hated that place. i'm surprised what it did to me. it made me so spiteful and resentful of wealthy people. i think i still get pangs of that. just a desire to make a ton of money so i can prove to anyone that being rich doesn't mean you're a spoiled brat. those kids were pretty awful. i'm tired and it's finals. |
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[Dec. 11th, 2009|10:43 pm] |
It's like there's this part of me that I just can't get rid of
I try and suppress it and forget about it and just when I think I'm doing fine
It comes back a thousand times worse
No matter how many times I look in the mirror and tell myself no
It makes no difference
sooner or later I'm falling back into my old ways
He's not the most outspoken person
He chooses his words carefully
He doesn't make a big show of his emotions
So when you get a glimpse into what he's feeling
You feel like you're in on this big secret
Like you know something that no one else knows
And when you finally get him to smile, to laugh
It's one of the most wonderful things in the world
And I find that I get to see that more and more every day
Like he's becoming more and more comfortable with me
And it's making it harder and harder for me to tell myself no
I bought him a pretzel tonight
God, I can't believe myself haha
I bought him a pretzel
told him it was "my treat"
And he looked right into my eyes with that amazing smile
and said "thanks"
I might be in trouble... |
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[Dec. 8th, 2009|09:40 pm] |
CJ cleaned the entire kitchen and living room. it looks amazing. i came home from work completely not expecting it and it made my day. i feel guilty because i know i'm supposed to do the dishes more and try to be cleaner, and i was just trying to get through the last week of school without ripping out my hair and putting bianca up for adoption on craigslist, and i just didn't feel up to cleaning until after i get my mountain of work finished. and CJ probably got tired of seeing the dishes piled up and stuff accumulating in the living room. but it does feel so nice to come home to a surprise clean house. at the risk of sounding like tim mollins, i need to focus on this moment and realize just how nice it feels coming home to cleanliness, and try to clean more often so CJ can feel that nice sigh of relief when he comes home too. early new years resolution. i read two tips on a website once. one was, keep the sink clean and the rest will follow, and at the end of the day, gather up everything out of place in a laundry basket, and go room by room putting things in the basket where they belong. if i can try to stick to those, then maybe i can keep the house in better shape.
on a side note, sorry if this sounds straight out of the 1950's. |
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[Dec. 7th, 2009|06:39 pm] |
i will never be able to handle having children. i can't even get bianca to stop biting and clawing. i get so frustrated and stressed that i almost forget that she's just a poor kitten and doesn't know better. it frustrates me to the point of near tears sometimes. and then if i spray her with the bottle she runs away from me for the next twenty minutes, jumps at anything that moves, and sprints around the house like a squirrel on crack.
she's laying on my lap now and appears to have forgiven me, but my frustration hasn't necessarily worn off. i keep telling myself 'i'll get through this i'll get through this" and really, she isn't even the biggest stress of my life. she just happens to be the tiny one that gets on my last nerve after all my other stresses have gotten the better of me.
ugh what a lame afternoon. i feel like my mom right now |
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[Dec. 7th, 2009|05:13 pm] |
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| |  distressed | ] |
i hate money. i hate it i hate it i hate it. i hate that there's never enough to go around, that i can't ever make enough, that i can just never be comfortable. i especially hate that EVERYTHING is related to money and that it's the biggest and only strain on mine and CJ's relationship. but because money is related to everything, everything is a strain on our relationship. little expenses add up and big ones add up even faster.
sorry for the random tirade. i think it's due to bitchiness from pms that is unbridled because i can't afford the birth control pills that tone down
those hormones.
on a mildly related note, that i might further explain later when i'm not so, i don't know, myself i guess, i wish CJ would hear the way he talks to me sometimes. |
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